The eagle has landed!

Hi Folks,

Well, today I got the phone call that I was waiting for - my daughter had made it to singapore ok! Not so her luggage! That, apparently, is on it's way to Melbourne!
I hope this isn't an indicator of the rest of her adventure.
Hopefully though, it will be delivered to her tomorrow, before she heads of to Kuala Lumpur, otherwise, they are going to have to deliver it to them there!
Credit due though, the airline in question, did give them 200 singapore dollars each to get themselves some of the necessaries to tide them over until their luggage re-appears. So that can't be all bad!

I've had a strange weekend, quite stressful emotionally, but I'm sure I will survive. It's not every day one waves their daughter off, knowing that they probably won't see her for a whole year. Being a pisces, I'm afraid I find these kinds of things quite difficult.

Well, I think that is all I am going to write this evening - I have a pounding headache and need a soak in the bath.

Thank you for reading, please drop by again. :)

Pauline

She has flown

Hi folks,

Today has been a strange day.

My youngest daughter is no on a plane flying halfway around the world to Australia for her year long adventure.

I decided to cash some money out and change it for her into Australian Dollars so that I knew she would have a reasonable amount of money on her for when she got to Perth. Whilst I was in the travel agents sorting this out I was fine until I asked the clerk how easy it was to send money out to Australia. Fortunately she explained things quite quickly and succinctly, as I had to do a runner as I could feel the tears welling up.

Bugger, here they go again!

This coming year will be a strange one I feel.

This time tomorrow my little girl will be in Singapore before she makes a short stop at my father's in Kuala Lumpur.

In a week's time that's when the real worries will probably set in, as that's when they head to Perth for the first leg of their journey.

I helped her set up her own Blog yesterday, so it will be easier for her to keep in touch with everyone - I will add a link later (Once I've vetted her content!! just in case!)
It will give me peace of mind too :)

Well, that's it for today I'm afraid - I need an early night - it's been a tiring day emotionally.

Please come back soon!

Pauline.

Flying the nest

Hello,

Well, it's two days to go now before the youngest of my two daughters flys off to Australia for a whole year! She is only 18, nearly 19, but as her mum I will be worrying about her from the minute she steps through the customs gate until she lands on the tarmac back in England!

She is travelling with another girl friend, and they have carefully planned their route all through the land of Oz, starting in Perth and working their way around ending up in Cairns.

She is very brave to be off on this adventure, and also very lucky to have this opportunity. It never crossed my mind when I was her age to go travelling so far afield. I was just about married when I was her age (I first married at 18 1/2), it didn't seem that young back then - but looking back at my girls now, I was incredibly young and very naive.

Fortunately my youngest daughter is much more worldly wise than I ever was at 18, she handles herself well, and won't take too much grief from anyone. Unlike me, who wouldn't have said boo to a goose!

She is not scared of confrontation and will stand up for what she believes in especially if someone is unfairly treated.

She has grown into a very independent, caring young woman - she knows her mind, and what she wants to do in life (I'm still trying to work out what I want to do!). So, I guess, despite her strange childhood / growing up, she has turned out amazingly well balanced and strong.

I do hope she returns from Australia, there is always that possibility that she will have such a wonderful time she may not want to return. I will have to cross that bridge if it should ever happen.

I will miss her when she is away - having to pick her up from Bournemouth cos she can't afford the train / bus fare - her stories of drunken friends and late nights/early mornings, and the fuss she makes of her little brother (who will have changed so much by the time she comes home - but thank goodness for the internet!)

Well, that's it for today, it's just 48 hours before my little girl flys off on her big adventure - all I can do is be here for her when she needs me.

Come back soon

Pauline.

I'm free!

Hello folks!
It's been a little while since my last Blog I'm afraid, but I've been so busy!

For nearly two weeks now I have been free of my anti depressants - which I've been prescribed on and off for the last couple of years - instigated by incredible work pressures, stupid deadlines, working all hours, being too hardworking and concientious and not being allowed to tell management to stuff it!

I've watched my mother for as long as I can remember be on anti depressants, including valium, librium, triptazol, and nowadays seroxat.
I struggled for several months before succumbing to the 'dreaded' anti-d's as I didn't want to follow the path of my mother. In my eyes it showed a weakness - I was stronger than that - I could manage.
But, after mornings of tears - as I couldn't face work - waking up at 4am in the morning and not being able to sleep again, aching from head to toe almost on a daily basis (I called this my stress ache - it feels like the aches you get with flu but with none of the other flu symptoms), crying all over the place over the slightest thing and just generally feeling overwhelmed - I decided to give in.

I was started off on Citalapram (10mg) but I wasn't sure I could tell a difference. Though my husband said there was an improvement - at least I wasn't crying all over the place. I was signed off from work for a few weeks, which turned into a couple of months. I underwent some counselling at The Priory working with cognitive behaviour - it was quite reassuring to know that other people were in similar positions (the strange thing was that half of the attendees there were in the same company that I was!) Most of the time I felt I was doing ok after one of these sessions as others seemed to be far worse than I was.
The head psychiatrist suggested that I take some sleeping tablets tohelp me sleep, as sleep was evading me for quite a while - causing me my stress ache as I now realise - I tried these once or twice - but felt so zombified the following day until lunch time and had a horrible metallic taste in my mouth I decided to quit taking these as they couldn't be doing me any good.

It was just as well I did stop taking these particular sleeping tablets as I found out I was pregnant not long after and they state you're not to take them when you are so!

I perservered with the citalapram - though I didn't feel like they were doing much. I didn't feel like doing too much, daytime tv became a sanctuary, I didn't see many people - didn't want to see many people. My husband tried to get me to go out - which I normally did under protest - but as I couldn't drink (due to the tablets) and it seemed such an effort to go out - it seemed pointless. But I did and it was nice to get out of the house.

I went back to work for a couple of weeks, but after wishing myself to have a car accident on the way to or from work one day, I knew I couldn't continue - and got signed off indefinitely.

My dosage was increased to 20mg, but still I couldn't tell any difference - my only measure was whether I was crying or not! I still had my 'stress ache' and I still wasn't sleeping all that well. Some energy did come back every now and then though, as I managed to re-decorate most of the house.

With a little one on the way, I had a new focus in my life - so to this day both me and my husband see this as our saving grace. It was hard work being pregnant this time - it was 17 years since I'd been there last - plus with the addition of 'depression' or 'work related stress' it was quite a toll on my poor old bod!

We had a trip to Norway to visit my husband's family which was lovely - we drove over and I got to see alot of Norway's lovely mountains in the spring time. Apart from the engine room on the ship catching fire in the middle of the night and us being stuck in the middle of the North Sea - it was a very nice relaxing holiday! Though, I inadvertently misplaced my anti-d's at my brother-in-laws house before we set off on the second leg of our journey - and therefore ended up coming off my anti-d's cold turkey.

I would not recommend it!

I put most of my terrible feelings down to low blood pressure, not eating enough, and being pregnant! I was feeling swimmy and lightheaded sometimes after moving just a little. I did phone my doctor whilst I was away to check with him and he clarified that it could well be withdrawal from the anti-d's. I felt terrible - but having gone through it, I decided - when I did find my tablets again - that I wasn't going to go back onto them. Also, with the fact that I was pregnant - I didn't really want my child to come out dependent on anti-d's!

During the summer of my pregnancy, the company I was working for (or rather signed off from) were offering voluntary redundancies - so I jumped at the chance. The timing was perfect. A huge weight lifted from my shoulders. I didn't have to go back!

I was fine after this - did lots around the house, got a bit more enthusiasm back for some things that I enjoyed. I was looking forward to the birth of our baby!

Everything was fine for well over a year, and then things started getting on top of me. My redundancy money was coming to the end, I couldn't see a way of earning money myself to add to the pot - I couldn't see myself working for a large corporation again - my self esteem was incredibly low. I started feeling worthless, useless etc., sleep was becoming disturbed, and my stress aches were returning. I saw my doctor, burst into tears in her office and she decided I was depressed and put be on anti-d's again - though I asked specifically for seroxat this time as i'd heard some good stories (and bad!).

I think it made a difference - I didn't worry quite so much - I managed to find an evening job which I could work around little'n - but I ended up sleeping less - 3 hours hard cleaning put me into hyper mode and I couldn't get to sleep for ages. 5 nights a week for about 3 months I kept this up but had to give up as I couldn't cope with the not sleeping!

I started off on 20mg of Seroxat, and a few months ago I decided to cut it down in half. Wow! What a difference that half made! My energy levels increased dramatically - my enthusiasm came back for doing things. I hadn't been going out much or seeing people again - and it was a bit unfair on our little boy as he really needed to get out and meet other people. It was a remarkable change. I started taking a bit more care around the house etc.

Over the last couple of months I've been slowly decreasing my dosage from 10mg down to zero. I found a website (i will have to find the link again for it) which gave me instructions and advice on how to come off this very powerful anti-d. I tried doing this too fast and I felt like death warmed up! Horrendous. Felt as though I was going to pass out after the slightest movements. I didn't feel comfortable walking to the shops, driving, anything! So I had to start back again at 10mg and reduced by half a miligram every week. A long slow process, but it worked. I've now been free for almost two weeks and feel fantastic!

My energy has soared. I'm sleeping ok. My husband can't understand it! I'm working on the computer until midnight nearly every night. I'm in the process of pushing my business forward, and I'm getting back into my Avon business and just taken on a couple more roads, plus I'm looking forward to doing my mystery shops once more.

It has been a strange journey. I have become a little more aware of my limitations - most of the time. When my 'stress ache' appears I know I've been overdoing it and will give the housework a miss for a day or two and try to get an early night to re-charge the batteries!

I hope I haven't gone on too much, but once I started this Blog it kind of flowed... and flowed... who knows, perhaps it may even help someone out there who is / has experiencing/ed the same or something similar.
There is an end to it - you just have to be a little patient - your partner / family have to be alot patient - Rome wasn't built in a day - and it does sometimes feel like it's a very long tunnel to get through -but get through it you will. :)

Thank you for reading. Please drop by again soon - hopefully I'll be able to get a few more blogs up this week!

My lovely little boy! 

First day memories

Hi folks,
This evening I've been having a trip down memory lane!

I decided to check out my old schools on the Friends Reunited website and see if there were any more names I could recognise. I have both my Junior school and Senior schools linked in, but I didn't get much further than my Senior school this evening. I was trawling through some of the messages that had been left by past pupils regarding their memories, and one of the categories was "your first day".

I can distinctly remember mine, so I'm afraid I will bore you with the details as they were quite, shall we say, interesting!

To start at the beginning...

I used to live next door to two brothers, and next door to them, were three brothers and a sister. For the most part, we were all of similar ages, so we all used to hang about together, go exploring, go on picnics up at the local recreation ground, or go to the woods (where we weren't supposed to go to, but we were kids and did anyway!) Well, one time we went down the woods we discovered a fantastic branch that had fallen off and I decided to turn it into a catapult. I think the others found twigs to make theirs from! So, a few days later, towards the end of the summer holidays, we decided to go down to the woods to test them out.
When we got there, there were a couple of other lads down there, who seemed to be trying to stir us up a bit, so as we were 'armed' we decided to defend our territory, as we hadn't seen them before - so we got the chance to use our catapults - and we did!
The following week when I got to my new school, we were all sitting in the main hall waiting to be allocated our classes, when...
oh no!!!...
One of the lads who I'd been targetting was only being allocated into my class!!
How embarassing! I was mortified!
Needless to say though, we got on ok - though I think we kept our distance through most of school...
just in case!

I will have to post a more abbreviated version of this story up on the web site, but I thought I would share it with you guys first!

Hope I haven't bored you, or gone on too long (apparently yesterday's blog seemed to draw some unrequested attention in one of the forum's my husband frequents - so apologies to that person if he should read tonight's Blog!)

Please drop by again soon.

Weapons of war

Hi Folks,
Over the bank holiday weekend, we visited one of our local historical armaments - Fort Nelson - to see re-enactments from one of the Charles' era's (I'm afraid I forget which one!). It was interesting to walk around the fort, walking down the tunnels and getting a feeling for the place.

In the courtyard of the grounds there was a large undercover display of military equipment of the large variety, a whole series of canons, tanks etc. Quite an impressive array.

As I was walking around reading some of the details about the exhibits, whilst pushing my little one in his pushchair, I was overcome with an immense feeling of sadness & melancholy (for want of a better description), as the thought occurred to me, that these actual machines, tanks, anti-aircraft missiles, etc., had been used by real people - many of whom may not actually be around today, due to their having been killed in action, by whoever. These pieces of cold, unfriendly metal, could have been the last things some of these people saw in their last moments.

Needless to say I headed out rather quickly from the display, feeling quite agitated for the rest of the day, with thoughts going back to those people who perhaps had lost their lives.

This weekend, I was in a Sainsbury's car park, and with all the D-Day memorial happenings - I was fortunate to see the flyover of a Lancaster bomber and I think two Spitfires. It was certainly a most impressive sight and sound - but once again, it caused quite an overwhelming feeling again, actually bringing tears to my eyes, as I was forced to think of the people who had fought and lost their lives.

Also, last week I was in a charity shop, and there were two little old ladies who were reminising from when they were children, and could remember their neighbours
sons and husbands going to war 7 never coming back, one of whom had a very young baby at the time.

All these things seem to, I feel, put our existence into some perspective. We are lucky to be here, and we really should think about other ways of dealing with dispute - not fighting & killing people, they all belong to someone somewhere - they are all sons, daughters, mothers or fathers of someone.

Apologies for this rather downbeat Blog today, but it's been weighing on my mind.

Please do come back !

Tooth hurty :(

Hello,
It's been a few days since I've written a Blog but time seems to have flown by until today.
Over the last couple of days I've been getting niggling toothache - bearable with painkillers - until this morning. Painkillers didn't touch it. So I made an appointment to see my dentist - initially for tomorrow - but after a couple of hours of unsubsiding pain, I changed it to this afternoon! My goodness, how slowly the clock went today!

I have a relatively high pain threshold - and can normally go for weeks without giving in to the pain (toothache) but this time - it was excrutiating (and still is I hasten to add).

I have always been incredibly nervous when it comes to dentists. Hence the serious procrastinating I have done over the years. This fear probably came about when I had my first filling at the age of 16. I think I only needed a small filling - but I was terrified. The dentist did nothing to re-assure me, and proceeded his handywork - without an injection. BIG MISTAKE!!!
I pushed him away several times to which he got very annoyed with me. Hence an ingrained fear of dentists.

Up until perhaps a year or so ago, every time I needed to go to the dentist, the anxiety would build up to such a point that I wouldn't be able to swallow properly for days beforehand. Once I was in the dentists waiting room - my hands would go cold, my stomach would be doing somersaults and I would be feeling a nervous wreck. Once in the dentists chair - well, hand clenched onto the arms of the chair - talk about a white knuckle ride! Terrified.

I have been lucky the last couple of dentists I have had as they have been quite patient with me. I always make them explain everything they are doing as they are going so I know what to expect. My current dentist is wonderful - he always makes sure I am comfortable with what he is doing. Always makes sure I can't feel anything before he needs to do any work. He explains everything to me. And doesn't make me feel like a complete whimp! I have even managed to cope with an extraction some months ago! I was sooo nervous it was unbelievable. But when it came down to it - it was over in a jiffy - amazing!

This time though - he couldn't do too much for me today as there is an abcess - this is definitely worse than toothache as painkillers don't seem to touch it. But he's dosed me up with antibiotics, which should start to kick in about this time tomorrow. In the meantime I'm dosing up with painkillers too - in the hopes that they may just decide to help numb the pain a little. The throbbing is unreal. I can't hardly eat anything as my tooth is just too sensitive to even the slightest amount of pressure.

One way of losing weight I suppose - but I wouldn't recommend it to anyone!

Well, that's it for now - but a big thank you to my lovely dentist for making my dentistry experience a whole lot better now than it was for me at 16. And to my dentist who gave me my first filling - B******!

Come back again soon :)